Right, Sir. Er... Where's the pain, again?
Right. That is your heart, sir.
Now what's probably going to happen
is you'll have a heart attack, OK?
Wow! Make his day, why don't you?
Fuck!
Been painting?
I slipped on the ladder and...
Ooh!
Broke at least one rib.
'I like knowledge. Knowledge is power, which is good.
'I've not got much in the way of physical strength,
but I know shitloads.'
I have a terrible, awful headache.
Have you got any paracetamol in the house, love?
Ask her why the curtains are drawn.
Why are the curtains drawn, love?
Can you not call me love, please?
Meningitis.
I was going to do that.
I was!
'They may do things differently in the Animal Kingdom,
'but in my world, brain over brawn wins.'
Could be irritable bowel syndrome.
Or appendicitis.
Carrot or cucumber?
Carrot.
You've got a carrot up your arse?
OK. And it got there... how?
The wife put it up there.
We were playing a sex game.
Oh!
She said it would feel really incredible.
Hmm.
It were fine, first couple of inches,
but it's a big fucking carrot.
Yeah, OK.
Not a novice carrot, then?
No.
It were going well, you know. It weren't rasping against the...
The rectal wall?
But then it just got sucked up. Like my arse kind of pulled it in and...
OK, Bugs Bunny!
Can you hear yourself? Too much information.
Doctor Kinsey?
A word.
Key rule. Write this one down.
This is reality now, right?
There's no such thing as too much information.
OK?
'And out of us three, I'm the king of the jungle.'
Root vegetable blockage in the anus.
Good luck with that.
Thank you.
You OK?
Yeah.
A man with a root vegetable jammed up his batty.
Is that not a very odd kind of straight?
You reckon?
Go on then. Ask the question.
Why would a straight guy have a carrot up his arse?
The prostate gland. Located underneath the bladder.
Size of a walnut. Stimulate it with anything,
and it'll feel good.
Yeah, of course. Cos you'd know about that, wouldn't you?
Yes, I'd know.
There you go. Point proven. It's a gay thing!
It's not a gay thing. It's a biological thing.
And how would you know?
Yeah. How would you know?
I didn't ask the fucking question.
You know what? It's a good thing,
this fear of penetration straight guys have.
Cos if it weren't for that...
Carrots would be worth their weight in gold?
No. Mankind wouldn't get past the carrot phase.
The species would've died out.
You guys are talking shit.
Incredible. Visually...
Stunning. Totally.
So glad you like Italian films.
To achieve a film of such richness, conceptual richness,
with such sparsity of dialogue is...
incredible!
It's such a beautiful film.
He has an incredible way of visualising
the poignancy of human emotion. Don't you think?
Do you fancy a coffee?
BEDSPRINGS SQUEAKING
Don't move!
There it is.
There it is!
Don't move.
There it is!
There! Ah!
How are you getting back?
I'll get a cab.
Do you do this often?
Internet dating.
It's a bit new to me, actually.
Right. Only...
Here's the thing. Erm...
I've not had sex for a while
and you kind of get a bit out of practice, don't you?
So I'm thinking...
Well, I've got you here now.
We've just done it...
Mad question, but on a scale of one to ten, what d'you reckon?
I'd say...
at least...
knocking on seven.
Knocking on seven.
Right.
I'm detecting a bit of politeness.
Well, you know...
Six and a half.
OK.
Well... thanks.
That's a reasonable score.
If there was one thing that could've increased the score?
Well, I sort of prefer more...
yielding women.
Yielding?
Women that kind of let me do a bit more.
Or anything, even.
Yielding?
Right.
Well, I could've done yielding.
Right.
You have to give me some indication.
I'm not a mind-reader.
Is he actually sulking?
Mm.
Excellent. Can get some peace.
Is this arrangement working?
Three of you in one ambulance?
He's the trainee.
Yeah, but the same three every day?
Don't like it. Breeds complacency.
I think I'll look at the rosters.
But we work well together.
Yeah, but Rashid needs other experiences
and Ashley could step up a bit.
I might try pairing you with Carl again.
Oh, no! Please, not him.
Not that fat prick.
As you can see, they like being my crew.
How often do you hit your eight minute target?
More often than not.
60%, 70%.
And how often do you think
your crew might hit them in the future?
All right. We'll up the success rates.
Yeah.
Up them, or I'll be back.
With Carl.
So, we're your crew then, are we?
Yeah, come on. My team, my troop.
Why's it yours, though?
Because I have the most experience,
the greatest bank of technical knowledge,
plus I have an air of authority.
Yeah? Where're you hiding that, then?
Look, am I the leader or not?
OK.
We are a group of young males.
It's inevitable one of us is the alpha male.
I am the de facto alpha male. OK?
What's de facto?
Look it up.
OK, I fucking will.
Yielding?
What does that even mean?
Fairly obvious, really.
Got to be lying there, inert,
in a baby-doll nightie waiting to be ravished.
Yielding.
You reckon you can do that?
Well, I can try.
Just kind of...
Is that your best shot at yielding?
I can do yielding. It's a piece of cake.
Sarge, you're probably not going to like this, but...
if the guy you're with is a real man, you know, macho?
You just yield. You can't help it.
I'm seeing him again and this time,
I'm going to be so fucking yielding
he's not going to know what's hit him.
Yeah, you're probably still not quite getting it.
AMBULANCE SIREN
"De facto.
"In practice, but not necessarily ordained, by law."
Yeah, I do know what de facto means.
Says here the alpha male is in constant danger of his life
as younger males contend for his crown.
OK, right, that's baboons. We're not baboons. We don't have predators
and we don't go killing each other for fucking rights over the females.
You've never been to Glasgow on a Saturday night!
Yeah, but I'm bigger than you two.
It's not about who's bigger any more.
We use our brains more now.
We have enquiring minds.
It's about what you know.
Me and Ashley go back two years, tends to take a back seat.
Fair?
Fair.
You've known Ashley for two years, but you don't know much about him.
How do you mean?
Do you even know whether he's got a boyfriend or not?
I am actually here!
That's his business.
If you don't know that,
then your mind can't be as enquiring
as you think it is, can it? Alpha male?!
I'll tell you something, boys.
It's time for regime change.
Forgive me, father. I have sinned.
How long have you got?
Depends how much my mum has to get off her chest.
Well, on Tuesday father, I was ungenerous.
With the woman in the queue at Argos.
Nice... you work out?
Religiously.
Which brings me to Thursday.
Oh, actually, I had quite a good day on Thursday.
Which brings us to today...
OK, big fella. Let's get busy!
What're you doing?
I love getting fucked, me.
No. Hang on. No.
What?
It's just I'd quite like you to fuck me.
Oh...
Well, I can have a try if you like.
Do you want to do me first then I'll...
I think we just killed this.
Yeah... Um.
Go in peace to love and serve the lord and sin no more.
In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit.
Amen.
Feeling purged?
I am, yes. I've been forgiven.
All the sins cleaned away?
It's a marvellous feeling. You should try it.
I think it only works if you promise not to do it again.
Are you keeping well?
Yeah.
You sleeping enough? Only the hours you keep with that job.
It is a bit weird with the sleeping patterns. But I'm good at sleeping.
You're happy?
Yeah. I'm happy. Life's...
Let me see. I don't know that I can believe you.
I'm dead happy.
OK I love my work and I love my mates,
well maybe not love them...
Come to the do on Saturday. All of the gang are coming down.
It'll cheer you up.
I don't actually need cheering up and if I did I...
Come to the do.
For me.
OK.
Ashley, come on!
What's this?
My training. I've done the theory.
Got to do the practice. Says so in my training modules.
OK. If that's the way it has to be.
First of all, use both mirrors - this van is wider than you think.
Is this a good idea?
Need to give him the opportunity. He's got stuff to learn.
Schizophrenic, 44, acting violently, wound to left arm.
OK.
This is a Cat A call, so what we do is...
Something like this?
Drive it like you stole it, that's what I say.
How were that?
I think I'm gonna be sick.
Where did you learn to drive like that?
You don't want to know. Did we hit the target?
Hit the target? We got here before we even left.
Yes. Success! This is what I'm talking about.
This is a TARDIS!
Ooo-weeeeo-ooo!
Come on, lads lets get 'em.
Not yet. We need plod for this one first.
The "acting violently" bit is fairly key.
I still think we should storm the place.
He's very powerful.
You all right love?
Do not doubt him.
Hello there, children.
Hi.
Hello.
You OK?
I'm full of joy today.
Right... It's her.
What?
She's the patient.
Is anyone in the house?
This is my father's house.
Who's your father, miss?
The Lord God.
OK. And you are?
Jesus Christ. Your saviour.
Cool.
OK, is it possible that this may be your...
mania flaring up?
My what?
Could I hold onto your knife for a bit, Lord?
Could you?
I'll only end up cutting myself again.
OK, love, would you like us to take you back to the secure unit?
Actually, yes. I think that would be good.
Do you have another name, love?
One that your human parents called you?
Yes, it's Fran Giles.
Is there any medication you're on, Fran?
Yes.
Is there any medication you're not on Fran? Um, Miss...
These lovely police officers are going to take you back to the unit.
OK. But before they do,
I'd like to check that cut on your arm if I may? OK.
Yeah? OK.
Do you want to come with me? OK.
Come on then. This way.
Ta, Ashley.
Well, done, fella.
Do I get a reward?
Yeah.
Let's you and me go for a drink sometime.
That were pretty well handled.
Go Team Stuart!
Team Stuart?
Your homies.
Trainee's driving's pretty tasty.
He's had plenty of practice, that one.
How do you mean?
Nearly caught me there, didn't you?
It's private information.
No, I should know this stuff.
If you've had dealings with him...
Leave it now, eh?
That were good Ash. Disarming a prophet, not bad going.
We'll be fishing Beelzebub out the canal before the day's out.
My first Cat A drive.
And when we get there it's Jesus! I love this job.
So, you made a date with Ryan then?
Yeah.
He's built. He's a big guy, isn't he?
Er... yeah, suppose he is.
Dead alpha. Am I right?
See? Ash knows an alpha when he sees one.
You don't just go for muscle men, do you?
No. Thank you.
Ryan's a good guy. He's funny, he's smart.
Mm funny, smart, big muscley arms.
And if it's true what they say about black guys...
You're gonna be packing!
Stop it! You don't know Ashley at all, trainee boy.
Man, collapsed in street.
A drunk.
Patient complaining of severe chest pains. Cat A.
Put the lights on.
All right. I were gonna.
We're about to jump into light speed.
Five, four, three...
Just fucking do it, Chewbacca.
Urrgghh! Urrgghh!
Copy that Houston. We have maximum velocity.
Thrusters are go!
This is not the route.
Trust me. I know all the little by-ways.
It's too narrow!
Says the guy who drives like Rainman?
Rachid, you don't have to do this to prove a fucking point. Oh, no.
Oh, were gonna take down another target I can feel it.
I'm still the cleverest.
And the shortest.
Nice bit of beef.
You're not vegetarian, are you?
No.
Didn't think so.
♪ JIMMY SOMERVILLE: You Make Me Feel
This song is...
Shit, I know. We couldn't possibly dance to it.
No. Though that is a pretty cool dance-floor.
Full on Saturday Night Fever retro.
And we are gay.
And gays dance. It's what we do. Is that a genetic thing, medical man?
They've yet to isolate the disco gene.
Well, how about we have an ironic dance then?
How does that work?
♪ You make me feel
♪ Mighty real
♪ You make me feel
♪ Mighty real
♪ Make me feel, mighty real
♪ Make me feel, mighty real... ♪
You could maybe pour the wine.
Sure.
Are you trying to get me drunk, Derek?
No, it's just you asked.
Yes, I did.
Sorry.
You're looking good, mister.
You too.
What gym do you go to?
Merrion Street. You?
I don't, really. I try keep myself in shape, but...
I'm told my arse is my best asset.
Yeah. Me too.
Your best asset?
Well...
Amongst them.
You guys are lucky, though. You put on muscle mass quite easily.
It'd take me ages.
Different body types.
Yeah, we're lucky us guys.
That was really nice.
Do you want anything else?
Oh. Erm...
I don't think this is gonna work.
What. Am I not...
It's just you've sort of changed.
Yeah, well I'm yielding, aren't I?
Yes, I can see that, and it's very nice of you.
I don't think I can get more yielding.
Short of necking some rohypnol and passing out on the floor.
You've maybe just gone a bit...
Too far.
OK, well I can pull it back a bit.
That were quality beef, that!
DOOR CLOSES
So big fella.
Yes, little fella?
Fancy coming back to mine?
Could do, couldn't I?
Yeah. You could.
Yeah, get you back there. Strip you off, lube you up and then
fuck you hard with my big dick, yeah?
Yeah. Yeah.
Your big, black dick.
Yeah. There it is.
I thought that's where you were going, but I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt.
This is role play, right?
You reckon? Try it from my side.
I get this sprung on me a lot, you know, the whole big dick,
black daddy thing.
Conversation could be civilized as fuck,
but lurking underneath somewhere...
In fact this is all I get and I'm a bit sick of it.
Look, I'm sorry.
Maybe I've had a bit too much to drink and misread the signs.
I'll see you later, OK?
You had sex with a bloke who wanted you to be yielding?
Sort of.
And what you gave him was really definitely not yielding.
Not the first time, no.
You ran it like a military operation.
That's a fairly accurate description.
You didn't film it or anything?
Oh, he cracks his gag - no-one laughs.
So then you had him back?
Yeah and this time...
Ah! I can guess. Yielding?
I know.
What's he expect, you to melt in his arms and, you know,
be taken, get ravished?
Yeah.
You don't want to get ravished, do you?
Erm...
You don't want to be grabbed by the hair and pulled back to some bloke's cave?
Well, not when you put it like that, no.
Good. I just don't want you to go changing to you know
make some Neanderthal happy.
Well, he was hardly a Neanderthal. He were big on Italian films.
He sounds like a proper tit.
Although. I quite like Fellini myself.
Why are we so crap?
Why are we so single?
Because we're different.
We're not like the apes.
Will you still be my mate when I'm 64?
I will.
And if you lose it,
I will very gently euthanize you when you're not expecting it.
OK, cause I know all the undetectable ways!
Two drunk girls found on Corn Lane.
Oh, dear.
I like your one.
You hit your target.
Of course!
Change of hierarchy.
Good. It was bound to happen one day, I suppose. Mind you it's one
thing to merely hit your target, it's quite another to exceed it.
Watch me.
I will.
You need a brittle 50-something year-old woman to confirm your status? That is not good.
Eh! Facts, man. Nine call-outs, no fails.
I should have been driving ages ago.
Hey, Ash... Hello? You can relax.
Rachid has kicked fat Carl's ass into the long grass.
Great.
Oooh! Looks like someone didn't get their target hit last night.
What's up?
Black copper turn out to be girl-gay?
Shut up, eh?
There you go. Trainee is right.
No, he's not.
But you're not gonna see him again.
No chemistry.
No chemistry. Simples. Don't worry, Ash.
Plenty more fish in the sea.
Thanks mate.
Number one, number one, number one, number one, check it, check it,
number one, I am number one, I am number one, I am number...
What? Number one! Yeah.
Wait up!
Prat!
SIRENS
But seriously, little twat.
It's not a hanging offence. Plenty of black guys play up to the stereotype.
Don't defend him. Hey! Hey!!
Get off me! You Fool! Get back!
You all right?
What are you looking at?!
Who you looking at?
I don't know why we couldn't have at least tried to get to the driver fight.
We're miles away.
Yeah, but it's more of a challenge.
This isn't Grand Theft Auto.
This is better than Grand Theft Auto.
This is better than Angry Birds.
I had no idea the reality could get this exciting.
Nothing doing here, Craigy lad.
Bit of a barney. All done with.
Oh nothing for me to douse?
The big hose will have to stay tucked inside, I'm afraid.
How are you doing?
Me? Yeah you know just fine.
Just one foot in front of the other stuff, you know.
You?
Ah life's dead sweet.
Is it indeed?
Yeah, I reckon so.
Good. Well, I'll write that down.
What were all that about?
Nothing.
Oh, my god! You're actually blushing!
Shut up!
Now that's yielding.
54-year-old male, loss of consciousness, no pulse.
Reckon there's gonna be some rich pickings tonight.
We all loaded up in the back?
How d'you mean?
Protocols say you gotta do an equipment check before every shift.
Protocols say that, do they?
What do protocols say if the equipment's been stolen,
or broken and there's not enough money to buy a new one?
It also says in Wikipedia, that the alpha male might become
increasingly defensive the closer a rival to his position gets.
Yeah, Wikipedia isn't real knowledge.
You know what's on it? Torrents of un-researched, un-verified shit.
Boys, when is this going to end?
Follow that ambulance.
What?
Follow the ambulance.
Control, there is no 54-year-old, control.
Tell them we'll keep looking.
Keep looking, all right.
Hiya.
Hiya Stuart.
Something wrong?
Your mate's a bit of a cold fish.
Is he?
Little twat, in fact.
Hey, that's a member of Team Rachid you're dissing. Ashley is a...
A racist?
No. No, I don't buy that.
Well, that's cos you know fuck all about him.
I know more about Team Stuart than you do.
Team Rachid.
Shall we be heading off in case there's someone committing a crime somewhere?
Yeah.
That was a tad embarrassing.
Well, something needed saying.
No chemistry, eh?
Tell the truth.
I need to get to the church hall.
Swift change of subject.
Well?
Apparently you're a racist.
Oh fuck that! What's he been saying?
I'm not racist.
Right, well, Maxine seems to think differently.
Well, she's wrong.
I might've said something that could be misconstrued about his...
Colour, but I'm not racist.
Right, big black guy. Classic macho stereotype.
It is the unreconstructed, kind of alpha type you're after.
It's not a sin. It's just a sexual fantasy.
Big and butch?
The current term is straight-acting.
Oh, right so you don't go for camp boys then?
Course not, they're lady gays.
Nor nice, intelligent types like Ryan...
He was coming across a bit needy.
Needy?
The alpha male just fucks what he wants and goes.
Mm, too right!
Right, so hang on. If they show any emotional needs
that stops turning you on?
You really have a thing for the alpha male, don't you?
I got a question for you. Out of us two, right?
Which one would you...
you know...
Do.
If you had to?
You're joking. You pair of sad bastards?
I'd fuck fat Carl before I got that desperate.
Yeah, but after though?
So, if I search you now I won't find any matches, or a lighter?
You boys didn't start that fire?
I'm going to talk to you in a minute.
Just keep an eye on these lot, don't let them cause any problem.
Hello lovely Maxine.
Lovely Maxine?
Yeah.
Don't you mean extremely professional, ball-breaker Maxine?
No. I mean...
I mean... beautiful Maxine.
Petite, gorgeous, sexy Maxine.
That's the one I mean.
Right!
Never really thought about it like that, not really.
Tell me one thing.
Yeah?
Arrests. Fighting.
Broken glass. Fire. Piss. Vomit.
Yeah?
Life's still sweet, is it?
I reckon it is, yeah.
All about how you look at things.
Do you fancy a drink sometime?
Erm.
Yeah.
OK.
This is lovely.
Your uncle David hasn't changed.
We could try ECT on him.
And there are hormone therapies that might make a difference.
Oh, fuck!
I told you to come and rescue me at nine. You're an hour early.
Check out the buffet, man!
Are these halal?
New initiative - turn up for the drunks before they get drunk.
You're expecting drunks?
Well, everyone here is Scottish.
Here we go.
Tunnocks Teacake, 11 o'clock.
Nice.
Very nice.
Guys!
Ashley?
Is that Stuart and the newbie?
Yeah.
What, and they've popped in to say hello? That's nice.
Isn't it?
I'm assuming once they've said hello, they'll be on their way? That'd be even nicer.
Yeah, it is quite tough stuff that we do.
I bet you can handle the physical aspect.
Yeah, I can, yeah.
I'm the brawn.
Which of course makes me the brains.
Gosh, you guys have such clearly defined roles.
Yeah. It just kind of turned out that way.
I never knew that.
So you do all the heavy lifting?
Mainly, yeah. Yeah.
He hasn't got the, er, build for it.
So, what, like carrying grannies down stairs? That kind of thing?
Yeah. Yeah.
That's sarcasm now?
I think it probably is.
Well-honed and effective.
And the brains?
Yeah.
I might be wrong, but...
an EMT doesn't actually need that much in the way of intellect.
You're not trained in any serious diagnostics.
Aren't you guys basically taxi drivers?
Isn't it mostly drunks you deal with?
You're a medical student.
Right first time.
I'd recognise that corrosively superior attitude from a mile off.
Sorry, bedside manners, I think you call it.
Sarcasm that could actually kill.
Hello, Stuart.
Hello, Mrs Greenwick.
Nice of you drop by and say hello to Ashley.
That's all right.
Denise!
I half-expected you not to come!
Oh, my goodness, this can't be... Ashley!
Ashley, look, look. Remember Dan?
Oh, this is just perfect!
All right, Ashley?
All right, Dan.
How you doing?
Fine, thank you.
Right.
These your mates?
Yeah.
And we've actually got to be getting back to the ambulance now.
I'm sorry. I know we've got to go.
Don't we?
So... Got to go.
Call me.
Yep, yep. See you later.
That was interesting.
Tall fucker in tracksuit - ex-boyfriend, was he?
No.
Ex-girlfriend then?
Fuck off.
Ex-school-mate?
Ten points.
Bingo.
And he bullied you?
He took the piss.
Gay took the piss?
Yeah. A bit.
I knew it.
Simples.
See? I can do diagnosis as well, you know. It's not so hard.
Clearly.
What was it? Eight, nine years last time you saw him?
Yeah.
All comes rushing back, 'course it does.
All that stuff you've kept held down, forgotten.
Thought you'd dealt with it but it's still there. Next thing you know...
CRASH
Excellent!
Go, team Rachid!
Shit!
Haven't finished me training!
They'll fucking fail me for this!
How bad is it?
Well, the headlights and the bumper are knackered.
We'll have to report this.
That's it then, isn't it?
Yeah. I'm going to get bollocked for driving into some roadworks.
How are you going to get bollocked? You weren't driving.
Yes, I was.
Really?
You'd do that for me?
Yeah.
Thanks, man.
Do I get the wheel back now?
We cool?
Good.
(TO HIMSELF) One down.
♪ MAGNETIC MAN: Getting Nowhere
♪ Feel like we've been getting nowhere
♪ Almost there, almost there
♪ Feel like we've been getting nowhere
♪ Almost there, almost there... ♪
Was I right or was I right?
I don't know what you mean.
♪ We keep holding on to nothing
♪ We keep typing, we're not talking
♪ We lose endlessly World won't get by me... ♪
All right, dickheads. Dan Hughes.
He bullied me for being gay. Years ago. It's all done with.
Can we move on now, please?
Was he always a... big boy?
Yes.
So he was like the alpha male of your class?
Of my year.
Fuck. Ash, it all makes sense now.
Listen, Ash.
Look, if he was the alpha male and he took the piss,
I'm guessing so did the whole school.
Yeah, pretty much. So?
That's the role of the alpha male. To police admission to the group.
To exclude the undesirables.
I like to think I'm very desirable.
When you're having anonymous sex with these big, straight-acting alpha-types in the bushes, it's...
It's Dan! Yeah, it's the bully I'm seducing. Congratulations.
I can make the alpha male go weak at the knees.
It's me getting some revenge.
Is it revenge though?
The thrill? My guess is it feels really bloody good because
he's no longer taking the piss any more.
He's picked you out of a crowd
and now he's tickling your walnut for you.
Jesus! Now I really have heard it all.
He's not freezing you out of the troop, he's letting you back in.
It's not revenge you're getting, is it? It's acceptance.
Fascinating!
Look, as a friend, I just think you should let it go.
Er, pot, kettle, black.
What, are we going to talk about your dad, now?
Right. It's not about revenge. It's not about acceptance.
It's just when you find one of those real alpha-types, which is not easy,
it just feels really fucking good.
Is that enough for you though?
I don't want to die alone with a house full of cats.
Which is where you're heading.
Our ambulance is fucked.
So if I'm the beta...
I get to fuck all your females when you die.
Enjoy.
He hasn't got any females.
Sorry, fella.
That would make Ashley...
The omega, I know.
We get to have all the fun and have no responsibilities.
Which makes me the de facto alpha male.
Head and shoulders. No competition.
(SHOUTS)
Calm down, yeah? Chill!
She says you need to get fucked more often!
Little does she know, you are.
Catch... Useless.
You're in denial about the policewoman and the fire-boy.
It's balls.
Bollocks bingo?
Yeah. Come on.
Stress.
You all have tried-and-tested coping mechanisms.
Got that.
I'm stressed and, right now, that is not good.
What if things change?
Try and keep her believing that Craig likes her - but really likes her.
Or what?
She's fucked.
Careful, Ryan!
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd